im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
