We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
