Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
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