god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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