using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
