Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
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