i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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