I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
