Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
