I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
