I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
