I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
