I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
