I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
