You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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