you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
