I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My legs feel like baby dolphins
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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