she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
two words...techno handjob
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
