My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
