did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
