Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Floor bacon is actually really good
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
