wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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