covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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