Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize