You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize