On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
