It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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