He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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