I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
