I will die if light touches me.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize