Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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