he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
