mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
