Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
