What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
