her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
