Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
