Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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