Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
