I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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