this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
