I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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