if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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