I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
