I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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