did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
