But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
