last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
