I accidentally had phone sex last night
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
