normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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