wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
