jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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