I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
