When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Randomize
