I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
