You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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