I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
