I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
