You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
