some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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