'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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