Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
